What Have We Become - One Shot
by UnstoppableGirl
Summary: Emily and Alison struggle with the aftermath of a tragic event (AU)


**So, I know I'm supposed to be updating Hand In Hand, but this came into my mind over the weekend and honestly, I couldn't not write it. It's only short compared to my usual chapters to fics, and there probably wont be a second chapter, for now atleast, so it's marked as finished, though I may come back to it and add a follow up at a later date if there's interest.**

 **This story has literally zero fluff, so if you're feeling the need for something a little deeper and sadder, then this ones for you. If you want to get the extra feels, I sincerely suggest you stick What Have We Become by The Sweeplings on repeat, since that was the song that inspired this story.**

 **Get your tissues ready folks, it's a sad one.**

 **Lo**

 **xx**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains some graphic images, along with mentions of mental illness and grief/loss.**

* * *

Alison held her head in her hands as tears streamed down her face. Her heart was a lump in her throat as she thought about what had erupted just an hour earlier, and she felt as though over the course of a few months, her world had flipped 180 degrees. She had gone from feeling like the luckiest woman in the world to the saddest, loneliest person to ever exist. She looked around at the room that had been filled with so many memories. The pictures of a happy couple smiling back at her, almost taunting her with how perfect their relationship was. The three-year-old, curly haired girl, whose smile beamed and blue eyes glistened with happiness. The tiny plaster hand print of that very same child, that had been cast when she was just weeks old. The broken vase that lay smashed on the ground, pulling her back from her trip down a happier memory lane, and back into the brutal reality of what her life had become.

' _Ali, we're going to be late' a voice called through the door, followed by footsteps along the hall and the door pushing open. 'What are you still doing in bed?' Emily asked with an exhaustion that matched the look on her face. It was a look she wore more and more often lately, but only when it came to her wife._ ' _I'm not going. I don't feel too good' Alison mumbled into the pillow, the duvet pulled up tight to her face as she lay on her side with her back to the other woman.  
_ ' _You're not going?' Emily asked, her tone anything but understanding. 'It's Spencer and Toby's wedding, Ali! You're Spencer's maid of honour, you have to go!' she exclaimed, her eyes wide and flicking with frustration, which only intensified when she was met with silence. Alison stared blankly at the wall in front of her, not looking up when her view was blocked by her Wife, who had rounded the bed and was now standing in front of her.  
_ ' _Get up' Emily demanded, as she yanked back the covers with force. Alison remained still, staring at a spot on Emily's deep purple, satin dress.  
_ ' _I said get up!' Emily raised her voice, her tone growing angry as she stared down at Alison, before grabbing her by the arm and pulling her upwards into a sitting position. Again, Alison remained silent, her eyes focused forwards so they were now staring directly at the other woman's chest. A few months ago, she would have taken advantage of the fact that she had a clear view of her wife's cleavage, her breasts heaving against the tight material that formed a semi-deep v down her chest. Now though, sex was the last thing on her mind._

 _Emily moved away from her eye line, and Alison was back to staring at the blank wall. She blinked once, before she felt something land on the bed beside her.  
_ ' _Get dressed' Emily ordered calmly, her arms crossed against her chest and her jaw clenched.  
_ ' _I said I'm not going. I can't' Alison replied monotonously, her tone void of any emotion. The silence that followed was almost painful and felt like it lasted far longer than the few seconds that it did.  
_ ' _Can't or won't?' Emily asked impatiently.  
_ ' _I can't do it, ok!?' Alison snapped, her head turning sharply to look into the furious eyes of the woman whose brown orbs used to hold nothing but light and love, but now held darkness and frustration, due to months of situations like this very one. Emily had been patient, Alison was aware of that. The brunette had tried being tender and loving, understanding and compassionate. She had tried giving Alison space, and she had tried smothering her with love. Whatever she did, it didn't seem to be enough and nothing seemed to work.  
_ _'You don't understand' Alison spoke again, her voice gravelly and hoarse due to the lack of talking she had done as of late. These words seemed to cause the fury in the other woman's eyes to intensify, the smaller flame that sat there previously turning into an inferno. They were words that Alison seemed to utter time and time again, whenever Emily challenged her. Whenever they found themselves having this same argument, Alison would throw out those words, and Emily would crumble. She had crumbled and melted time and time again, only this time she couldn't. She had crumbled too many times already.  
_ ' _What don't I understand, Ali!?' Emily yelled, her arms uncrossing and her face contorting into a look of unadulterated rage. 'Why you spend every single day wrapped up in that bed? Why you refuse to let anyone else have an ounce of happiness in their lives, because you're struggling!? The reason you're struggling in the first place? Tell me, what is it that I don't understand?'_

 _Alison bit the corner of her mouth between her teeth, her fingers wringing together as she swallowed down the ever-present lump that had taken up residence in her throat.  
_ ' _You don't get it' she mumbled as she shook her head softly. 'You don't feel the pain that I do.' If her words before got Emily riled up, these made her shoot up like a rocket.  
_ ' _I don't get it!?' She screamed, heavy tears forming in her eyes as she moved closer to the broken blonde woman on the bed. 'You seriously think I don't get how you're feeling!?' Emily asked incredulously, because honestly, Alison had said a lot of fucked up stuff over the past few months, but this was up there on the list. It hurt, that the blonde could disregard her feelings and the pain she was feeling, simply because she handled it better. Sure, she was trying her best to go about her day to day life as best as she could, mostly because Alison had basically retreated to the bed and refused to move. Emily knew that she had to be strong for her Wife, and so she was. She put her effort into making sure that Alison got up and ate, washed and even sometimes got her out for fresh air. She had spent months over calculating what sort of mood the woman would be in, not wanting to push her on the days that she was at her lowest, or leave her be on the days that she was actually willing to do something with her day. Hell, when Spencer had asked her to be her maid of honour, Emily had politely declined and asked the other brunette if she would ask Alison to do the very job, in hopes that it would give the blonde_ some _sort of purpose. Instead, Alison had missed dress fittings and had sat through their friend's bachelorette party like a zombie. It wasn't that Emily didn't understand, of course she did, it was just frustrating that she was fighting for her woman, who didn't seem to want to fight for herself._

 _'I get it Ali, because believe it or not, you're not the only one of us that is hurting!' Emily continued, the words she had wanted to say over the past few months, all spilling out of her like word-vomit, and now that she had popped the cork on her own feelings, she couldn't stop them from pouring out. Her tears were falling down her face, and it stung for Alison to watch, as the brunette's strong exterior cracked. She wanted to look away from the pain and frustration that was written across the other woman's face, but Alison couldn't bring herself to take her eyes off of the woman who she had been through so much with over the years._  
 _'She was my daughter too' Emily added, as a lone fat tear spilled down her cheek. 'And I miss her so god damn much, and yeah, it hurts. But honestly, it hurts so much more because, along the way I lost you too' she stated sadly, as she let her tears fall down her cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away as they dribbled to her chin. Their eyes remained locked across the room, both women frozen in place by the emotion that thickened the air between them. It was clear that this wasn't something they were going to get through. Not while things were the way they were. Emily was trying her best to just get through each day without breaking down, while Alison couldn't get herself out of bed for long enough to do anything productive. It was a routine that was growing weary, for one of them at least._

' _I can't do this anymore, Ali' Emily voice was softer and more broken than before. The anger dissipating enough to make room for the sadness that consumed her.  
_ ' _What do you mean?' Alison asked fearfully, her eyes widening slightly as they flickered across Emily's face, searching for a sign that there was still hope. That she was misunderstanding the words the other woman had just said, but all she found was despondence. Emily swallowed hard, though her throat was dry.  
_ ' _This. Us. It isn't working' she replied with sorrow, her tears thicker and heavier than before. 'I can't keep living like this' she added, her face filling with regret and her heart brutally ripping apart, while Alison's already broken heart, shattered completely. She wanted to cry and beg Emily to stay. To tell her that she would change and things would be different. She wanted to tell her how much she loved her, and hold her and kiss her, because if she was honest she had almost forgotten what it felt like to touch the other woman. To feel Emily's arms wrapped around her and lips against her own. It had been so long since they had had any contact at all, she had forgotten what it felt like just to be held. It was a feeling she suddenly longed for. She needed to be close to Emily again. To press their lips together and hold her close, and never let her go. Alison couldn't open her mouth though, and she couldn't move herself across the room to where Emily stood. Her throat felt dry and her body heavy, and so she sat and watched as the woman she loved, grabbed the small case that sat beneath the bed and filled it with clothes. It only took a few minutes for Emily to pack a few things, while Alison watched from her position on the bed._

' _Please don't leave me' she managed to whisper quietly. Emily froze, her teeth clasping her bottom lip between them as she held in the urge to take Alison in her arms and kiss her until they were both breathless.  
_ ' _I'm sorry, Ali. It's for the best' she replied after a moment, before wiping the tears that had fallen down her face and zipping up the case. She stood it on its wheels and looked across to the other woman, who she thought she would spend forever with. She never imagined that she'd be walking out the door just five years after marrying her. She paused, her palm resting against the handle of the case, before swallowing hard and taking a few unsteady steps towards her Wife. Emily reached Alison's knees and gingerly placed a lone finger beneath the other woman's chin, tilting her head upwards so they were looking eye to eye. Emily took a second to take in the image of those blue eyes that seemed to have the ability to stop her in her tracks, though they were now duller than they used to be and had lost their sparkle. Instead, they seemed empty and lifeless, like the soul that made them shine no longer resided there. Alison held back a sob, as she looked back at Emily, screaming silently with her eyes for the woman to stay with her, until heavy eye lids closed, shielding away the brown orbs that had become her home. Emily leaned down, brushing her lips against Alison's in the softest of kisses. The blonde leaned forwards to apply more pressure, having barely felt the kiss that Emily had granted her with, only to feel the brunette's hand move from beneath her chin. Blue, tear-filled eyes opened to see that the other woman was now standing back across the room, suitcase in hand._

' _Just know that I love you, and I want you to get better' Emily said, sniffing lightly as she cried silently. She took one last look at the blonde, before turning to walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Alison listened to the footsteps grow fainter, and she wanted to follow. She wanted to run after the other woman and grip onto her until she promised to stay. She wanted to kiss those lips again, because she had gone so long without doing such, and the kiss they had just shared, though brief, had made Alison feel more than she had in the past few months. She couldn't move though, her body heavy and shell shocked at what had just happened, and before she could bring herself to even stand, she heard front door open and shut again a second later. She let out a sound that could only be described as the sound of a heart breaking into irreparable pieces, as she stood to her feet and grabbed the vase from the bedside locker, tossing it across the room, before a harsh sob escaped her lips._

Alison looked around the room. The faces of the happy couple smiling up at her were now a distant memory. The little girl, who held so much life and love, was now long gone. Alison, who had had so much happiness in her life, was left with nothing but an empty house and memories of a life that no longer existed. She wandered over to the picture of herself and Emily, picking up the frame that had been sat on that very dresser for a little over five years. It was taken on the day that Emily had finally gotten down on one knee and proposed to her, and on that day, Alison had thought she had finally found security. She had finally found the person who would hold onto her and never let her go. She looked down at the smiling couple in the picture, who had no worries and no fears, and she saw the way they looked at one another. The love they held in their eyes was unmistakable, and she found herself growing jealous of them. An anger rose inside of her, because they had their whole lives ahead of them; a whole relationship. Whereas Alison was stood, with the shattered remnants of a marriage gone so very wrong.

'I'm so sorry, Em' she whispered, as she stroked her thumb across the section of glass that sat over Emily's smiling face, a lone tear falling down her cheek and dripping onto the picture frame. Her lips curved into the tiniest of sad smiles, as she took one last look at the picture before placing it back on the dresser, her hand hovering over the smaller frame next to it, hesitating before she finally clutched it with her fingers and brought it closer. Her eyes instantly filled with tears as she looked at the photo she hadn't brought herself to look at in months. The brightest, blue-est eyes lit up the tiny girl's face, as long sandy-blonde curls tumbled over the girl's shoulders, a toothy smile shining back. It hurt to look at and it hurt to remember her, but right now, memories and pictures were all she had left of the perfect life she had lost. She looked down at the picture until it physically hurt to look anymore, eventually turning and climbing into bed. She pulled the covers over her, tucked the picture to her chest and let her tears fall freely as she finally let her memories take her to the places she had refused to let herself recall. The good memories, those that contained happier times filled with love and laughter, kisses and cuddles; Those were painful enough, but the lone memory of that fateful day was the one that crushed Alison. The memory of the small blonde, who giggled as melting ice cream dribbled over her fingers. The feeling of a tiny hand slipping from her own. The screech of a car, accompanied by the honk of a horn. The scream that was cut off by a sickening thud. The way Alison's heart rose into her throat as she turned and saw the scene. The scream of the little girl's name that fell from her mouth as she ran towards the tiny body that lay lifeless in the road. The Ice Cream that lay several feet away, with its cone sticking proudly in the air. It was a memory that Alison would never forget, and a guilt that she would never let herself get over.


End file.
